Jan: A palpable falling sensation, a little thrilling. Like a warning? Or a truth? What do you call that? Some sensation of a lost connection, like something that watched over me doesn't anymore. Probably all of last year?
I started the working again in January. The usual way. Mantra and stillness, nothing external seems to work, and I tend to want my eyes closed. Knees have yet to act up from the lotus, I sit until my feet fall asleep. Trying seems important, so I try really hard. Previous experience granted me the sound of a name and an image to work with. I should draw a new one but as of this writing the newest I still have I drew in 2004 (?) I think, which ages the last time I did a working of this nature. I cut 12 pieces of illo this week, so maybe I'll do that many drawings.
For the last week, serious changes. I find the operation of my lookout vastly simpler and easier. However, still developing the new ritual, HGA gets out different every time I do it. Comes out and takes a lot of repetition to complete itself. It likes to complete itself, not for me to complete it. Still quite nascent and new.
2 days ago, I experienced a new sensation of arrhythmia. Last it occurred was Christmas day and none before that. Strange signpost, anxety inducing. Mind immediately leaps to the natural habitat of the work I do in the world. How long can I do that job and live? Did I miss some horrible accident that might have been? With no way of knowing the answer to either of these questions with any certainty until they. If I worked hard enough I could probably develop visions that could 'prove' any number of things.
I woke up from what I think was a deep sleep with an intensely anxious feeling. My heart beat felt rapid and way higher up than usual, not as high as my throat. The edges of the world became a tunnel that got smaller and smaller. I made no accurate measure but what felt like a very long minute passed like this and then my heart returned to normal and the world stopped seeming to close in but I felt very heavy.
I wanted to get up and have a look at myself in the mirror, but I had to wait. I looked okay, not sweaty, no sudden dark bags, no noticeable dizziness. I went back to bed. It happened 3 more times that night, the final time around 2:47 am.
I had chest pain in the morning that persists to now. Got over a coughing something last week though, also work with my hands.
Doctor says probably just benign arrhythmia. I agree for now. I can find things that will increase chances for survival. If something causes more arrhythmia I can consider it harmful if I choose, and then white it out or replace it with something else that I attach to my survival. If I decide to live than anything that I connect to that basal level becomes compulsory and part of this constant ritual I'm still working up to.
I tend to have a high capacity for inertia, but all I've ever decided to do is live.